NO! This is not one of those quizzes you always come across on your news feed.This is the truth, the whole truth and er, just the truth!

I’ve been on Facebook for 4 years now and have witnessed a sack-load of changes made in the layout, the different services etc. One thing that has not changed,however, is the people. Should I call them Facebookers? They come in different shapes and sizes, colours and textures, er (insert other contrasting features)! Don’t you just love the diversity of the owners of those profiles that make up what you call your Facebook Friend List? I choose to call them that for fear of using the word ‘people‘, as experience has taught me that there are cats, flowers, rivers, and ghosts on Facebook too. You don’t believe me? Go check out the Profile pictures! That leads me to Facebooker Numero Uno!

MR/MISS I DON’T WANT MY FACE ON MY FACEBOOK PROFILE

You notice that empty, blurred and completely lifeless human head? Or that cute kitty, the flowing river, the hooded ‘gangsta’, the beautiful sunset, the bouquet of Spring flowers, the mini-celebrity, the celebrity, the much-loved President, the most-famous Quote source of all time etc etc etc? That’s what this category of Facebookers have on their profile pictures. They’re the type that give stalkers that moment where they just want to scream out words like $#^&)^&$! Their excuse?  ‘I don’t want my face on Facebook’. Isn’t that ironic? It’s called FACEbook for cheese cake’s sake. You’ve really got nothing to hide or be afraid of. The millions of people with their faces on their profiles can tell you this! Par contre, I have every reason to be scared of someone who doesn’t wanna ‘show face’ on a SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE! So, if you find yourself in this category, DON’T send me a friend request! Finally, show us your face! Thank you!

THE SERIAL ‘LIKER’/’COMMENTER’ 

We all have that one Facebook friend who feels the ‘Like’ tab was created specially for her/him/it! They like every status, photo, video, link, comment and page. She’s the one who’ll like your status when it reads ‘I got 9 F grades in my WASSCE‘ ! He’s the one who’ll like the ‘Supporting Racism‘ page. Thanks to telepathy, I can confirm what you’re thinking now. ‘MissDuttyWhiner liked her own status’, ‘MrIGotSwag liked his own photo‘. Yes! The serial ‘liker’/’commenter’ is most likely an ‘Auto-liker’ too.One who’s proud in what he does. We shan’t judge them.

Advice: The next time you see any such activity on the really nosy Facebook Timeline, RUN!!! If this proves difficult for you, there’s only ONE other option : UNFRIEND!

MR/MISS I CAN DETERMINE WHO GOES TO HEAVEN WITH A SINGLE POST

This particular breed of Facebookers must have been conceived somewhere in the heart of Jerusalem or Jedda! All you religious zealots should give me a break! They put up a status or post and ask you to ‘like’ or ‘share’ if you’re not ashamed of your God. Others take an extra step and tell you to ‘share if you want to go to heaven‘. Really? Is it that simple? Is that all I need to get a space in heaven? I might as well quit school, cut all ties with humanity, ignore my prayers and all the other religious prescriptions and sit in front of my laptop all day, ‘liking’ and ‘sharing’ those pictures, videos and statuses! I could even become a cyber bully, throwing violent remarks at people and making up for that ‘sin’ by liking one of your posts. You know, to cancel the sin. For the sake of whatever you believe in, STOP! You can’t keep playing on people’s conscience, getting them to like and share when what they really need is a complete spiritual detox. Did I mention that your method is getting old too? Check out something new. Thank you!

ARISTOTLE AND PLATO TO THE RESCUE

This is one set of Facebookers that should not have made it to your friend list. I mean, who needs their constant quotes when we’ve got Google? From Aristotle to Plato, Socrates to Confucius, Descartes to John Locke, the Dalai Lama to Nelson Mandela. You can trust this group to bring up quotes that’ll get you wondering if you really learnt anything. You then look (up) to them as very witty personalities and try as much as possible to avoid debates with them, for fear that they’ll give you the thrashing of your life. You can thank me for informing you that they are just quotes. Okay, let’s now pretend that their constant quoting does not really bother us. At this point, another ugly monster rears its head. The absence of quotation marks!! You start reading the post and realise that the words are familiar. You get to the end and see no reference. You check the comments and see the ‘poster’ shamelessly taking credit for it, when commended by a friend ‘for the words of inspiration‘. At this point, all you want to do is pull them out through your screen and give them a hard one on the face…but you’re not violent so I’ll give you a tip. Nothing calls out a ‘fake philosopher’ better than a comment saying ‘Oooh, you check out Nelson Mandela’s quotes too? This one is actually a favourite’.  BAM! Problem solved! You’re welcome.

HATER ALERT! WATCH YOUR BACK!!!

This group is one of the most famous on Facebook. It’s got the biggest membership. Don’t even try quoting me on that one because you’ll be on your own. A ‘Facebook Day’ is never complete if you do not stumble upon that one status update setting all ‘haters’ on fire. Or maybe the one that goes ‘Haters keep hating; I keep balling‘. Or the discreet ‘My life, your entertainment‘ that leaves very few people realising that it’s actually a ‘hater alert’ post. You read these and wonder if haters aren’t the only class of people who exist, with the exception of the ‘hated’. This group needs one thing :LOVE and SELF-CONFIDENCE! Okay, that’s two but the second didn’t hurt, did it? Seriously, people aren’t even paying that much attention to what you’re doing. That’s if you’re doing anything at all. So Linguere has just one bit of advice for you. Go sit under a tree and suck on some ice lollies; wonjo-flavored if you may!

I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP…NOT!

They pushed Cupid into early retirement. The lovebirds, les amoureux. This group gives love and relationships a completely new meaning. ‘In a relationship’ today; ‘Single’ tomorrow; ‘Engaged to DopeBoy’ the next week; ‘In a complicated relationship’ then ‘married’. The transformations do not follow any logical order. Each day comes with its relationship status, attracting a different number of ‘likes’ and ‘comments’, depending on the nature of the ‘news’.

Don’t you just love Facebook for the unlimited freedom it has given its users? It even offers us LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) rights! While The Gambia, India, Senegal, Iran et al are completely against same-sex relationships/marriage, Facebook offers a safe haven for LGBTs. Where else can Yadicon declare that she is ‘in an open relationship with Ngenarr’? Or Jogob professing undying love for Keyluntang? This last group tries to fool us, telling us it’s a ‘bromance’. Don’t even fall for that! Get that ‘b‘ off and the picture shall be clearer. Once again, don’t quote me!

THE FACEBOOK TYCOON/BUSINESSMAN/FARMER

They are richer than Carlos Slim, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Bernard Arnault put together. They own ranches, villas, sleek rides, unicorns, zebras, donkeys, monkeys, squirrels and ants. They get you wishing you were THAT rich and could strike such lucrative business deals. Well, at least for the short time you spend on Facebook. You know, these people could make it on the Forbes’ List of Billionaires each year, but they’ll fail in one of the questions that qualifies the different candidates. The ‘Are your assets imaginary or real?‘ question. Well, to them the assets are real, but only on FARMVILLE, CITYVILLE, SORORITY LIFE etc. They fill your news feed with updates of their latest purchases, achievements and interactions in these imaginary spaces. Makes you want to blame J K Rowling for getting us so immersed in Fantasy Land that we’re left helpless after Harry Potter 7. Recognise  them from a distance. They’re more attached to their ‘riches’ than they are to you. However, if you show some love to them by ‘liking’ or ‘commenting’ on their activity, they might ask you over for a cup of hot chocolate under the apple tree they sent you! Bonne chance!

THE ‘MY POUT IS BETTER THAN YOURS‘ CONTESTANTS

They come in different forms, but have one thing in common: their photos! Makeup of varying intensity and perfection, face drawn close to the camera lens, lips heavily covered with gloss or bright-colored lipstick, figure facing bathroom mirror… and then THE POUT! It’s usually the first thing your eyes see. Lips brought together and then pushed out. The result comes in different shapes, depending on the lips involved. Some end up growing longer than the nose, others are level with the forehead and the rest are classed under the ‘perfect’ section. The two former cases are what you should be worried about. A photo I saw recently highlighted the similarities between the pout and a fish’s mouth. I looked at it for a while and realized it was actually true. The bathroom background made it even more evident. You know, fishes happily swimming in a bath-tub filled with water, mouth set in the perfect pout. Yea, that! So er, ladies,we can’t all be Angelina Jolie! Let’s move on to something else. The pout has lived enough and needs to RIP.

There you have it. Eight different Facebookers to look out for. Wait, you don’t even have to look out for them. They’ll be jumping at you next time you log in. You’ll need a lot of self-restraint now than ever before. So, when they pop up, just take it easy. Do the ‘woooosaaaah’, drink some water and scroll past. Problem solved. 🙂

Remember: If you quote me, you’ll be doing so at your own peril. I’ll deny knowing you. Better, I’ll let the whole world know that we are ‘in a complicated relationship’. Linguere will catch y’all soon! 😀