There are certain times in our lives where we find ourselves in spaces that align so perfectly with our current realities, it feels like a gift from the Universe. It’s like God looking down at you and saying ‘I see you. I’ve got you. I’m with you’. I don’t know if it’s sheer luck, but I usually chance upon these affirmative moments that open my eyes and give me the clarity I seek, or at least some amount of it.

Two weeks ago, I joined more than 8000 people in Vancouver, Canada for the 5th Women Deliver Conference. I was there as a Women Deliver Young Leader from the Class of 2018, and had been looking forward to being in that space with so many people, working towards what we would like to believe is a common goal: the liberation of women and other oppressed groups in all parts of the world. The experience and the need to examine this space, and many like it, is a discussion for another post I hope to write when I find the words. This post is a reflection on discussions from one of the most memorable and important spaces I had the privilege to be in, on the sidelines of the main conference activities.

A few weeks prior to leaving for Vancouver, I was invited to an African Feminists gathering, convened by Francoise of Eyala Blog, and I was totally looking forward to it, mainly because of all the life I get from #AfriFem spaces. I did not realise how much I needed to be in that space, until we all sat around in one circle and shared thoughts on one simple but complex topic: sisterhood.

What does sisterhood mean for you?

As soon as the question was asked, I started thinking of one word to describe what sisterhood meant for me. This was difficult because it meant different things at different times, based on different experiences.

Affirmation, Solidarity, Vulnerability, Love, Accountability, Presence, Arguments, Disagreement, Loss, Sacrifice, Truth, Healing, Being Held, Holding.

It meant all of these for me, but I chose truth for that moment. I can’t place a finger on a particular reason for that choice; perhaps, it was because most of the others were already shared before my turn came. Or it had found me at a point where I was also questioning what true sisterhood means for me… the ones that I belong to, the ones that I create, and even the ones that I have lost, am losing, or will eventually let go of. The conversation was rich, but difficult. It was honest in the way that pushes one to self-examine as we identify the glory and challenges of creating and nurturing sisterhoods. It allowed us to ask questions and seek answers in a safe space, free from judgement, but also free enough to point out what’s not right.

The question was raised as to whether the sisterhood we discuss is limited to a feminist sisterhood – where our friendship, support, presence and solidarity is reserved for those who, like us, identified as feminist. This was an especially important point for me, as I navigate through my journey as a feminist and what this means for my relationships. It was also a chance to better understand how we can show up, be present and support all our sisters, whether they identify as feminist or not. It is probably not the easiest thing to do, especially in situations that demand that we bring our very feminist selves to the fore, but no one said this journey would be easy. And maybe that is why I chose truth as my word.

In our solidarity and presence, in standing up and speaking out for one another, there is sometimes a tendency to forget that we will not always get it right. Quite often, we also forget that (feminist) sisterhood does not mean we will always be in agreement, or that everything we do should be supported by our sisters. This has been a point of great reflection for me over the past few years, as I worked towards being present and supportive and ensuring that this presence and support was based on what’s right. Most times, it has worked without much issue, only helping to create better understanding and transparency, even when uncomfortable. In some cases, it has meant cutting off some ties. In other cases, it has meant restructuring boundaries.

The interpretation of some of these cases, not just for me but for others in the same situation that I know of, has been the very easy excuse that women are women’s biggest problems. We are never allowed to differ in opinion, in values, in approach, or the freedom to choose what spaces and relationships we want to keep our energies for, and which ones we’re better off exiting. These are all questions for me, and I’m on a long journey to finding answers, even as I make my decisions and deal with their consequences. They say the truth hurts, but should it? Always?

I’m learning and accepting that even when it hurts, it is necessary. It is on the foundation of truth that we can truly hold and be held, support and encourage, build solidarity and ensure that our desires and ambitions do not hurt or harm others. It is also on that foundation of truth that we can recognise, learn, and commit to doing better and making sure our safe spaces are really safe.

How safe is your safe space? 

I think about the emergence of discourse around safe spaces a lot, and greatly appreciate the questioning of the structures and dynamics within these safe spaces. I have seen my good AfriFem sisters point to the fact that sometimes our safe spaces nurture violence and the violation of our rights. It is sometimes in those spaces where the silence around our struggles and oppression is further amplified, and sometimes your safe people are the shields that cover the truth that would have given you freedom, justice, and anything else you may have needed.

In the discussion around sisterhood, I thought of what a safe space means. Is it a place? Is it a gathering? Is it a person? Is it a group of people? Is it me? Again, I did not have answers, but as I reflect some more on my experiences from the past few weeks, the picture is becoming clearer, and I hope the vision will stay safe.

My safe space is a place, a person, people.  But most times, it is me. I am my own safe space. I am my safest space.

In understanding and appreciating this, I have thought about how to make this space safer for me… and for everyone else for whom I am that space. However, it also means reminding myself that my fountain can only hold so much, and in being and providing that space, I needed to nurture me first. This extends to all the spaces I belong to, as well, and requires the hard work of continuously assessing them and determining their fit and health for the safety I seek and create for myself and others.

The thoughts keep coming to me, and each one brings as many questions as needed to get to a point of clarity and confidence in taking responsibility for my decisions. They’ll not stop, because my existence is tied to my thoughts and my being. So I’ll continue to question, analyse, evaluate, decide, and deal.

Just like I’ll continue to build, maintain and cherish my sisterhoods in their many forms, even when this means stepping out of them.

Just like I’ll continue to examine my own sisterhood, how I share it, how I show up, and even how it is received, and sometimes reciprocated.

The thoughts continue…

And you, what does sisterhood mean for you?